I'm so fucking centered right now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
