I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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