If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think i have two assholes
honey bunches of taint.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
