I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
