dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
