you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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