hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
