The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
