If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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