dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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