i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
