dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Let's get the cat blown out
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
