apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
