shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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