I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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