someone get that fucking seahorse.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
