he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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