Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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