I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
