so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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