WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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