I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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