I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
