I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i came on her dog
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
