Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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