My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
