Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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