I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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