my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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