I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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