He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
