Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
