she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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