you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
