im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
