she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Randomize
