He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
