I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
