worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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