Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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