Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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