You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
