i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
