I've blown a few things in my day
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
