Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
