You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
