Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
