I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
