Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
