I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
