I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
