he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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